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my core can kick your core's ass

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please [19 Mar 2006|02:48am]
for all the times i look back in my life, the times where i was the most alone i was the most happiest.

and i ask myself...

i need someone to fucking help me with where i am right now.
im so lost.

im crying.
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just a f.u thoughts [26 Oct 2005|10:36am]
[ mood | horny ]

am currently sportin wigga-unit.
my own style of:
wearing a hurley hoody
JNCO jeans.
but these jeans arent normal jeans,
they're the ones i wore in 7th grade.
they're soo big that back in the day
the army used them to...
parachute from an airplane(s).

im either sick or getting sick
or paranoid of being either of the two.

i like chocolate chip cookies.
Wheeling reminds me of a chocolate chip cookie.
a buncha brown and then some black.
ps. im not racist, i just appreciate humor.

ever wonder if a car gets tired of standing
when its parked for a long time?
ehh, ehhh? *elbow nudge*

quote(s) of the day:
Kramer: You think that dentists are so different from me and you? They came to this country just like everybody else, in search of a dream.
Jerry: Kramer, he's just a dentist.
Kramer: Yeah, and you're an anti-dentite.
Jerry: I am not an anti-dentite!
Kramer: You're a rabid anti-dentite! Oh, it starts with a few jokes and some slurs. "Hey, denty!" Next thing you know you're saying they should have their own schools.
Jerry: They do have their own schools!


"I mean hey, I'm a nice person. When I see freaks on the street I don't stare, but I'm careful not to look away. See, because I want the freaks to feel comfortable. That's nice for the freaks." --Elaine and Kramer

If you were captured by an alien,
would you rather
be put in the zoo or the circus?

Im thinkin about making a myspace group
for people that like
and soo on.
pretty much the kind of humor i enjoy.
anyone wanna help mee make one,
or even join it?

actually, i knoe you wanna join it cuz...
you've read this whole entry,
unless you just totally skipped down to the end.
in that case, f.uck you.
i dont even want you in it.

i need a name for it.

how's everyone doing?

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people iz bitches [24 Oct 2005|09:41am]
[ mood | calm ]

lately lifes been a female dog.

my medicine ran out about 5-6 days ago and its kinda been hell
ive dealt with my problems in unsafe ways and uhhm,
it probably wont look too nice when it heals but who's gonna see it anyway?

i really hate cold weather.
it makes me feel all...cold.
i like being warm.
so from now on imma have a heavy blanket in the backseat of my car.
everyones that been back there so far has used it to keep warm.

and i never knew that there was adult swim on fridays now.
i mean, ive been waiting to see the new shows, but they dont play
on sundays. so i guess i have something to do on friday nights.

today at 2-3:30am i had a conversation with alex
about the world and how stupid everything is
no, im not talking about myself in 3rd person *cough kylee cough*
and it was fun. i like talking on the phone late at night for hours about nothing, but nobody talks to me.

and uhm, listen people.
just because i talk to you about my problems doesnt mean i need you to come and fucking save me.
im sorry for being all fucking emo, gah.. i express my feelings because theres no reason to hide them in and then snap at people for not understanding me.
when i talk to you, all i need you to do is listen. don't bitch at me and tell me im retarded for doing wutever i did.
who the fuck do you think you are to judge me like that?
im going through some bad times but that doesnt mean im always the way i am right now. look past the immediate future and see potential in people?

i guess im a very open person and ill talk to people about anything that bothers me or them. i dont understand how people can be soo shutin.
maybe you've been fuckd ovar before by someone.
well im not that someone and ive never fuckd people over.
i fucking get sad when people i dont knoe get fuckd over, why would i do it?
its ridiculous-the way people are.

Ghandi said "be the change you want to see in the world",
and thats exactly what im doing.
if you want the world to be pleasant, be fucking pleasant.
but if you become a bitch, then the world will become one as well,
and it is.

so make me the statue of liberty;for your emotions.

alexXx for emperor-2019(yes, i love odd numbers)

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my dream... [21 Oct 2005|06:04pm]
oh man.
the dreams i have are...
so exciting you could make a movie out of it
and become rich
spend all your money
and then make another one.
i just woke up. kinda.
4.45 pm.

okay. lets see what i remember
i had just smoked a blunt with my friends ahmad, spencer
soon as we were done i started getting breathing problems
and i cant seem to communicate without talking like the black kid
on malcom in the middle. and then i somehow find out that the last two seconds i exhale i start getting smoke come outta my mouth.
its pure white and it just floats like a spirit.
and it's all fucked up. its frustrates the fuck out of me.
so i decide to keep doing it till all the smoke comes outta me,
but it doesnt. it just keeps coming out and out.
so then im in a dennys or ihop or something and there's people sitting around at the corner
and i keep breahting like im about to die and theres 2 of those asthma inhalers. i ask someone to use one and it doesnt seem to do anything and someone else has one on the table so i use him and he tells me something about it being "nasty stuff" i use it, seems to work for a second but then it doesnt, i tell him its alright and uhhm...
im walking around trying to tell people to call 911 but nobody seems to be paying attention
and then i start texting messaging people to call 911
but i get responses like where are you located
wut streets
and everytime i keep looking up at the streets
they become blurry and it seems as if im moving at 50mphs cuz they keep changing.
i think that somehow i get the street and the next thing i knoe im in
a hospital bed with a nurse telling me i have chronic something something
and i needa get it cleared out. she gets a babybottle filled with sme white liquid and tells me shes gonna have to use it on me. and im like okay and the next thing i knoe my mouth is open-wide with this liquid going down my throat and im having trouble breathing and then its done and she gives me those doctors things one that sucks in air and one that blows out air and tells me to use it to help me to breathe. and i use the one that blows out air for a while and tell her its not working and she tells me im not doing it right and she leaves so i try again and for like 4-5times im able to get the air in but then it doesnt work so i try the sucking device and it just sucks my tongue is so im like hell no...
then im walking down the hospital and i get into a room with a monkey but this monkey has a weird ass mouth. when it opens it...it stretches and theres all this saliva/goo coming out and i guess i got bite by it..i dunno?
but anyway.
i get outta the hospital and im in the car driving and it feels as if im magnatized by something and my car and me just get pulled along really fast and i have no understanding as to what is going on and i keep trying to stop but my car just keeps going faster down the highway and im like oh shit i cant try...and then somehow get my car to stop somewhere. and my brakes werent working so i stopped it with my mind. im still having difficukty breathing but im getting a weird feeling in my body i loook at the puddle and theres a glowing yellow rectangle on my forehead.
next thing i knoe im in a house with like 6-7 huge rooms, we enter through hthe bottom and things start moving around. and i keep trying to figure out whats goin on and then i start moving these things with my mind. but i cant control it so things randomly start flying and smashing into things. and then i pass out and when i wake up i have restraints all around me in my bed. but the whole fucking room is a disaster. i get into my car and start driving and i get pulled toward and i have a fisheye view of everything but im going at like 100mpgs and my car keeps nearly missing other cars in front of me and i go through 2 red lights. so i tell peopl eto call my parents and i start having breathing problems so i can only get two words out per moment and i stop my car somehow and im in the hospital and i remember thinkin how da fuck can i keep affording this treatment. I tell the nurse my problems and this time she give sme shots right into my left hand. INTO THE knuckles. she sticks it in till she hears a crack in the bone and injects me with the white liquid stuff again. and i remmber her telling me "you must drink a lot of milk cuz is kinda hard sticking these needles into your bones" and gives me the breathing things again as she did earlier. i get into my car and once again i cant control anything but the steering and remember why i stopped driving in the first place. im outta the car and im in my room again, but its not really my room cuz this kids parents come in and tal kto him. then theres like 5 people in the room and i start moving things with my mind. its really hard to concentrate and most of the time i focus on an object i can sort of move it but its very shady. like i can move the object, but i cant exactly get it to stop where i wsnt it to so it just sorta get flung in the direction i try to move it in. then i as i think im getting better i try to show off my skills but accidentally stick a dart into someones temple and they die. then im walking throug hthe house and im horny so i decide to use my powers for my amusement so focus very hard on a girls chest and it pulls girls bras off and i see the boobs. and everytime i do this to a girl the one i do it to has perfect breasts. then im wallking ahead and i start doing randomly to every girl i see. and they're all very pretty in my dream. and do it to one girl and i ask her if she wants to go into the room ahead of us and we do and we have sex?? and then im out and in the backyard practcing my mind focus skills and i start to get numbers and thoughts pop into my head and like 30 seconds later i hear the exact same things that i just saw in my mind said by people. and then i start throwing metal rods around in the backyard and flinging them into the air really high and they disappear from view.
then i walk through the house, through the room and end up in a field.
i start levitating myself and other people and discover the ability to fly...
and then BAM. eerything things dark and im in a pit full of blood. and i start fighting with a demon. we use our psychic abilites to find eachother and somehow have energy weapons come outta our hands and stuff and we're flying around this pit fightin eachother and i defeat this creature with thorns sticking outta his body and the mist hideous face ever. and then im in school in math class and discover i can do all the mathproblems in my head by just putting numbers in and id get an answer right away....
and then my life goes on and i get into my car and once again start flying through red lights and i turn down 4street. right, left, left, right and end up at the house im always been at and i see Krystal and i ask her for a haircut and she says sure, we get on a couch and she takes chunks of my hair and starts cuting it with what appears to be a switcchblade. and im facing girls so i start popping their bras off cuz it amuses me. and then krystal is gone and im looking foir her and i ask her what she stopped cutting my hair and she tells me she wanted to make my hair spike yand i told her i had the same idea and uhhm. i dunno. keep in mind as im in this house theres random people walking in and out. maybe like a party. but im not sure wut da fuck is going on. its ALWAYS THE SAME HOUSe too.
then the goverment figures out that that theres some of us with powers and 5 of us gather at the park and decide to go to our base to talk about it. we phase out into lights and go into the sky byt the little kid of the group hesitates for a SECOND and tries to do it but gets captures and gets disected and we figure out that the monkey that bit me was some devil monkey? then me and 3 other guys are at the devil pit again and im fighting the devil's apprentice with is some girlish figure. blah blah blah. lotta fighting. beat her...then i start battling the devil and we fight for what seems like days and at the end the devil shows me the kid that was disected but was still alive...and the walls turn into glass and im sending some red lasers on the glass and the devil starts doing the same. and we laser fight to see who can construct the most glass walls. and then the kid gets thrown into the pit and we both fly into the blood after him and we start eating the boy. and everything one of us eats a peice we become stronger until i get the last peice and the demon gets destroyed... and bam. all of a sudden im in a black place and i hear the demon talk about something and i look through a 2-way mirror and see a bunchsa nets hanging with aliens/predators captured today and thye get thrown into a fire and scream horribly and everything ends and i somehow realize that it was the beginning of a war.

and thats it
this is all i can remember of my 16 hour dream. i kept waking up at night and drinkin water. when i woke up i had 5 water bottles empty and i only remember having 2 in my room. I DUNNO WUT THE FUCK HAPPENED at night since i was at home alone. but yeah.
i probsably missed about 3/4ths of my dream. i just cant seem to remember it. i remmeber parts here and there. these are the only things i can definately remember when i close my eyes.
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ghey day!!!! [17 Oct 2005|06:18pm]
od damnit. why does life suck soo friggin much.
im so sad. how sad? really sad.
and yes, i do love answering my own questions.
i woke up at 802 and waited for my mom to "officially" wake me up
but she didn't. so i lay really really still to see if i could hear any noise
and i didnt. and was like, woo, dont gotta wake up for school.
but then i heard chatter from russian tv downstairs.
and was like argh!... matie. so then it was 807 and my mom still didnt wake me up. so in my head i got excited thinkin that somehow i forgot that the time was moved backward and that it was only 707. i got really happy...and then i heard my moms annoying ass yelling from downstairs to wake up cuz I was "gonna be late for school." then i come downstairs and my mom asks if i put the money in the bank and i tell her i need more because they've charged me fees... and she goes off on a fucking rant about me and how bad of a child i am to my parents. and all this shit. soo shes just standing there yelling for 5 minutes about how terrible i am...i told her to shutup. AND THAT I WAS GONNA BE LATE NOW CUZ OF HER.

took some food and got one of them yogurt things to go and headed off....but then my friggin tire was sorta deflated, how i dunno but it weas. so i hadda go to a gas station and pay 50 cent to get air. AIR? its free at other gas stations, so like..this air better gimme like 20 horsepower. but it didnt. not even 1. then i get on 53S and merge. now im on the right and i wanna get in the middle, soon as i start merging another friggin SUV merges into it. but this fuck doesnt even look to see if theres any cars. he just proceeds on. im like ohh wut da fuck ya bitch. so im sitting there cursing in my car at the guy.(suure, the guy didnt hear me, or even see me because i was behind him at this point, but i did wave my middle finger as hard as i could as his car!!!)and then 4 minutes later its time for me to go to the right lane again to get off at the Euclid exit, and as i start to go to the middle lane some polish motherfucker(yes, i knoe he was polish-how, you ask, could i possibly knoe he's polish? alex, you look kinda asain..... well, he was driving a yellow evo(liz-Polish,drives a yellow evo, liz i love you<33), aaaaannnnnd he had blonde spikey hair. ohh, and he had a polish flag on his car, but just because someone has a polish flag on their car doesnt mean they're polish. im not gonna be all stereotypical about the flag, gawd!) anyway..this dude tries to get into the same lane and almost hits me. So here i am trying to speed up to get around him, ahnd he thinks im trying to race him so he starts accelerating...GODDMAMIBNTIYWSUGH@ IU&U!Y!TG. i give up on his ass and just wait til i can get in, and as soon as i get in the right lane a taxi cab almost hits me from behind. woo.

i get off da friggin ghetto highway after almost dying 3x on the road and theres some road contruction ahead. it takes me 15 minutes to get to school, where it usually takes me 5. soo by this time im really pissed and i want a cigerette but no. i forgot my ciggs at home. AND LOOK AT THIS FUCKING WEATHER.

its sooo gloomy. and i wish i could just cuddle with someone and stare at the window as the rain trickles down it. and then kinda open it, just so i could hug the person im cuddling with closer. but NOO. alex doesnt have a girl. hes alone. fucking ghey day people. FUCKING GHEY DAY. and its only 1020!!

OOH, and yesterday was nice. i sold 4 shirts and stuff, and met stef<3, clare, annnnd uhhm, alex. ohh, and another alex. sooo, as you can see ,the trend has started; people are naming their children after me.
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Part 4 [28 May 2005|12:43pm]
I met this kid named Sebastian tafreshi, called him 2fresh. 2fresh and i grew close relatively quick. He was just like me, we had the same interests, we were both easygoing andd all we wanted was for people to be happy. through 2fresh i met a whole buncha kids, freddie, spencer, tony, adrian, kris, pat and many many more.
Round January i got invited to freddie's party. From then on, all of us were pretty muc ha crew. we chilled everyday(even though this was chicago and i lived in des plaines, id drive almost everyday) AT freddie's party i met ANOTHER girl named amanda
i really liked herr and for a while i thought she did too, but then one day she said "i dont want to hurt you, because yer such a nice guy and I always end up hurting people so i cant see you. blah blah) ya know, grrrl bullshyt. that was the end of that amanda...kinda
Anyway, freddie started to date a girl named drewsy, beause i guess they were drunk one night n ya know..hah., and like 2 weeks later she brought her friend. and her friend's name was AMANDA. amanda and i both liked eachother, but I guess it wasnt obvious to that prick Freddie(more on him later) and he cheated on his girlfriend with my amanda. what made it worse was that amanda was drewsy's bestfriend. soo freddie,one of my bestfriends at the time fucks me over and pretends like he didnt know. I forgave of course. bros before hoes.. I moved to wheeling from des plaines in April. In may i stopped taking my anti-depressents for round 2 weeks, my mom got my ds in college and i had a bitch ass manager at Vans. I went to the hospital for attemptd suicide. heh. I later learned her name was trixy back in the day, because she'd do shyt for drugs, if only i knew that, i coulda shut her mouth up sooo many times. As summer began freddie, kris, and spencer and I got really tight, we played mariokart 64 almost everyday and then this kid Ahmad came back from jordan. ahmad was a fucking awesome kid..think of Luke, but half arab/white. We all started to be voulchers. On good days we'd be ale to smoke around 4-5 times and not even have to pay for it cuz we'd latch on, smoke and go, not the best of things, but we did smoke those people up later. The first great divide began in the crew. 2fresh found himself a girlfriend named diana(2fresh, you soooo know you coulda done better, but as long as yer happy). Freddie kicked adrian out* of the crew, tony began to do more sports and had hockey practice while 2fresh hung out with his gf. So it was spencer, kris, ahmad, freddie and myself. and it would be for the next 4-5 months. We all chilled and smoked, thats all we did all summer. sometimes skating n playing basketball. thats it. I left for Spain/Portugal August 3. Spain n portugal are beautiful countries. the coffee is 4x stronger in spain and 6x stronger in portugal. and tcheck this out..if they wrote something to eachother. 90f it would be understandable by both countries, but when they speak to eachother, they dont understand a damn thing, how this happens..whacky asss portugal accents. In spain, theres like 4 official languages, but the one everyone uses is Catilian(spanish, duuh). THE GIRLS ARE SO HOT, OMG OMG OMG. no offense buttt american girls have nothing on them, NOTHING..well, theres some. =P. ohh and you can smoke pretty much anywhere, malls. cafes, outsid,e inside, and ciggs are 1.50-1.70. the countries were beautiful places. I came back to America o nthe 21st of august. I was soo excited to see all my crew that i soon as i got back, i drove like 50 miles down a 35mph round jus to see them. it was a great night bac. and then on 2am on my way back home i got hit by some fucking drunk ass immigranyt named Juan. He fucked my baby up(car #3) and i had to go to physical therapy for 2 months for my neck cuz of his STUPID ASS. Anyway, 2 weeks later i got a mitsubishi diamante LE CAR #4(very comfortable car, even though its gay ass v-6 got 16 mpg). and i drove that, twas a fine car. 5 daysafter getting it. i have a car full of me crew and im stupid soo i decide to test how fast it could go, so im going down an alley and press the gas. shytt went vroooom, and at the end of the alley, theres a car coming, and like a fucking RETARD this car slows down and stops right at the end of the alley when it coulda just kept going and everything woulda been fine. anyway. I hit that car and totalled my 4th car. 5 days after ghetting it. My parents werent please and for about 2 months i used my moms car and payed freddie about 5 dollars everytime to drive me hhome..16 mile drive. for 5 dollars. yeah, sad really. Anyway, i did a lot of searching and found a nice 5.0L mustang lx(CAR #5), custom painted blue n yellow. That was one of the best, iff not the best car ive had so far. It was loud, it was sleeek, it was beautiful. My mom somehow managed to haggle the guy(i smoked weed with him right before my mom got there, he was a cool man) from 2500 to 1800. and this was a steal, the only thing that was missing was the stereo and the backseats(ffor weight reduction). anywaay, things were fine for a month, and then one day. freddie did coke. he did it and loved it. he got all of us to try it. I didnt do anything for me except wake me up at 3am, beat a couple asses in mariokart and go to sleep, but they all started doing it. eventually thats all they started to do more and more and out weed fund was getting cut by coke, which i didnt even do, so why the fuck should i have to throwdown? i came less and less. and according to freddie, i was only coming forr weed. anywaaay, this one day kris needed to be picked up and freddie's greeedy ass didnt wanna drive. so i let jhim drive MY car to picked him up, on our way back he hit something and my car started to make a chunking noise and he burned my fucking seat. I totally didnt say anything cuz i thought it wuld be oka. So 3 days later, it was October 23th..naw, fuck it, ill jus copy n paste my next two journal entries regarding the subject:
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

i havent been taken my anti-depressentss and soo i gotts so much stuff inside meee that is fucking ripping me apart.

EVERYTHING has gone to shyt. i've been thinking soo much about the past couple months and how sad it makes me.
I've losttt Liz as my bestfriend, i fucking miss her soo much, we used to be like brother n sister and nowww it's likee...i see her 5 minutes a week. I remember a time when we wouldnt miss a day without seeing eachother, sometimes we even hung out for a whole 24 hourss and we never got bored, but then that all changed, and im still hurting forr those days.
and then i had a new bestfriend, 2fresh. i told that fucking nigga everything and i seriously considered him like my bro, we got our eyebrows done together and everything, but then heee started hanging out with diana and i saw less and less of him, and i was like =(, now i dont see him at ALL, it's like diana-24/7. whateverrr, i know he's happpy with her.

and then we have the CrEw(SMI) yeaah, i dunno bout you guys lately. im getting tired of sitting and smoking weed while playing mario kart. it was fine for the first couple months but now it's like. fuuuck that. sometimes i feel that the fuel wasnt worth it. i seriously dont think i get any respectt at all. im screwed outta everything, half the fucking time you guys just leave and im like wtf and i wait and wait. and then 2 hours later you guys come back. well fuck that. im fucking hurt by everyone. GET UP AND OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR for me, dont play yer fucking "not it games". i open the dooor asap butt when it comes to me, lets try to get out of it as much as possible. especially yesterday. nobody fucking wanted to get in my car, jus for a short ride, and then back, i went alone. i asked someone to come with me to pick up kris(something i shouldnt even have to do ya fuck) and i got no volunteers. not until freddie(y) actually asked to DRIVE my car to pick him up did someone want to come. then he fucking abused my carr, there were 4 peple in my car and it was floooooooooooored, my gas is gone. fuckyou guys. thats why i left.
shyt jus escalates, and it probably iss my fault for not expressing my feelings, butr the thing is, i dont feel like i can. i dont have anyone i can do that with anymore.
im getting a new computer in two weeks, imma buy a whole buncha video-games and jus play them non-stop. i'lll be saving sooo much gas and ill be playing with people that have a connection to me.
when things goo perfect for me, they jus arent meant to. so everything fucks up. maybe i really jus dont deserve to be happy. i do everything wrong, whyyy the fuck cant i jus bee normal. ii cantt communicate with anyone, jus like i couldnt before.
when i get up, i really dont have anything to look foward to. thank god these days go soo fast. why doess violent music make me happy? cuzz thats the shyt in my head built up year by year.
im sorry i cant bee what any of you want of me.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
October 23.

fuck you freddie!!!!!!!

p0stal Imp (1:37:40 AM): freddie was buzzed and high and he was talking bout some shyt and i mentioned how he burned my carr seat with a cigerette and he started saying how it was there and shyt and then how i talked shyt bout him online and i told him he did fuck with my car, he told me to get out and i left home. thats it
X (1:39:03 AM): he burnt ur seat??

p0stal Imp (1:40:47 AM): heee made a fucking cigerette hole in my car seat and then he said he didnt do it, and then he said he did but it was there before in the exact same spot. think about it, why would they put a cover over it if there was a burn spot on it. i know it wasnt there before. you were driving kris manda and me in my car and your cigerette fell on the seat, youu were like shyt shyt shyt!!!! and then he's like, welll dont ask me to drive your car when yer fucked up, ad yeaah, blah blah blah, you drive like a granny.. i almost snapped.

I drive my car slow so i can save gas you stupid asss fuck, i understand that it dont matter to you cuz it aint yer shyt. you're a blame shifter to the max. drove my car cuz his carrrr stoppped in the middle of the road without gas and we went back to my car to drive to the gas stattion to get his car some gas. i drank a forty like a half hour earlier. i didnt wanna fuckin drive.asshole
I have observed you anddd youu dont really care about anyone but yourself.
you treat your mom like shyt and say that you deserve something for going to schoool? newsflash: you go to school for yourself not your mom. she doesnt owe you shyt, you shouldda been hit many many times when you were growing up. when ahmad tries to tell you you're wrong, like last saturday, you snappedat him. blah blah blah. you WERE wrong. you're wrong a lot of thetime and we dont tell you cuz we're yer friends, most of all, cuz you snap. stop rushing into shytt sooo fast. you'll get yours dude.
ive never fuckedyou over yet you've fucked me over at least twice. I guess itll always be like that, cuz you cant handle any other opinion than yerself.

anyway, happy birthday Spencer, hope your day went, cuz mine didnt.

And that was pretty much the last time i talked to them, well. they called me over back in october 30th and then again on thanksgiving. SO ONCE AGAIN, i got screwed by a person i thought was my bestfriend when i didnt do a damn thing. its cuz i depend on friendship ytoo muc hand people know they can fuck my life up by ending a friendship with me. ohh ,and it was quite convenient that once i left freddie got his 12k from an autoaccident. fucking asshole spent it all in 4 months. on coke. heh.

anyway, about the time i got srwed out of the crew I met a girl named monika(dominika-her real name) and she was all like blah blah blah i like you blah blah. and SHE eventually asked me out. like 3 days later. Wow, she was a horny girl. we had sex everywhere, library parking lot, elevator stairs ANNND on the elevator. but guess what. she wasnt just horny wiyth me. she was apparently horny with lik e4 other fucking guys while dating me. yeah, bitch. and then shee ws like im sorry, blah blah. you dont understand i love yeewww, so i took her back and she fucked another guy..AGAIN the next week. yeah. bitch. ohh, and she told me she was 18 and a senior, where later i found out she was 15 and a freshman. i fucking hate shyt like that. i was 19 mind you. 2 onths away from being 20. OHH, and btw.
thats her.. she goes through boyfriends like i go through kleenex, call her a slut..cuz thats what she is.

I also gained a friend named Craig, craig and i smoked weed everyday, and it was convenient. and he's cool. so thats how that happened. we also chilled with abbey and emily. so i suppose that was the crew. theres nothing in between. I basically worked, got a new car.(CAR #6), went to school and smoked tons of weed. thats it. I met this girl named Joanna and like a week later we went out. joanna was a really nice girlfriend, she was also my first EVER valentine. soo ya know..mad sex that night. haha. jojo <3. Joanna and i broke up around Feb 28th i think. something like that. I dunno. she didnt like weed, and i did it all the time. I felt like crap everytime i did it, cuz joanna was soo sweet to mee and she'd call me her baby n everything. yeah, so thats about it
About a month ago i started chillin with dan n edgar, and thas prett much what i do. play sega, watch aqua team, family guy, n laugh. and it feels great to have friendship again. ohh, and htis kid "Dan mothercuking C" got his ass kicked last nite at dan's party. and god liked it. and it was good. and i drank 11 shots, and yeah. theresagirlilike. shh.

Im tired.

ohh, and this is freddie:
dont even try to start anything. from what i hear..karma got him good. he's now stealing money for his coke addiction. fucking retard.
2 comments|post comment

PArt 3 [28 May 2005|12:42pm]

notice how i used roman letters for the title of this part of my life...cuz it's
epic i says. ohh, and i lied. there will be 4 parts!
Things ended the last story with me graduating highshool. and this part is all the happened after it....

After finishishg highschool my parents gave me their Hyundai Sonata as a gift i suppose. And this car was great, but whenever it rained, the car stunk like weed. we dunno why, but i did. needless to say it wasnt fun being stopped by the cops, and mind you. this is before..when alex was a lil edge kid. ohh, and bt the way, i didnt preaccch, i accepted everyone. cept i had no one. Natalie and i had not talked for a while anddd i wanted her back soo bad. I fucked her over twicee and made her cry over mee, so now that i wanted her back. she made me crry. butt all she could say was "im sorry, i cant keep doing it" andd this girl is still on my mind from time to time. cuz seriously. first kiss n wutnot..
At the same time I had started to hang out with liz more and more. She went with me when i got my tattoo, and i went with her when she peirced her tongue(i cried when she did, i dunno, lose of innocense perphaps) and nose. Quinee was another good friend, when we first met. i thought she was loud and obnoxious, but as time grew and fights between me and her passed we became very close as well. but nothing could replace the friendship i shared with liz. We experienced everything together. liz got me high the first time on July 4th. Carly, luke, liz and I all went. they got high but i didnt, not at the time, first time n all. Later that night i smoked a bowl pack with luke and it was the bestday of my life as of thusfar(being 18). And i suppose thats when i first grew some warmth toward that potweed. As the summer passed liz and i would go tanning and shopping(im a very good shopping mate, mkay). we'd get out eyebrows done, get fucked up together, this one time
we even picked up a drug dealer to get a deal for this kid bobby, he said he'd give me a tip for gas and smoke me up. so i said yes. So here we are driving this niggr(im not racist, but what else can i call this prick of a bitch) and he asks if we could stop by on the way to pickup his friend. soo. i meaan. what do two white kids know abut shyt. we were niave(sp?) soo we pick another black guy. and he tells us to drive to a neighborhood. so i drive and then he's like. this isnt avery good neighborhood, and by the looks of it, it really really wasnt. so he took the wheeel, and this is when shyt hit da phan. This fucker starts driving around the hood picking up his gangbanging nigger friends. HE even had the fucking guts to roll a blunt in MY CAR, smoke it with his friends. anyway. he picks up his friends and starts driving to the southside. we were scared shitless. liz is a very beautiful girl so i wss afraid of what they would do to her, cuz obviously they were gonna drop us off in the ghetto and leave us there.) soo these stoned asss niggers stop at a mcdonald to ge tsome food and liz and i figure that was our chance so we bolt out the fucking doors across the street, and these people start following us telling us they'd give the keys back n everything just need a ride. and i was like, gimme the keys and just go. but nooo. i wasnt gonna be fooled again. they wouldnt let it go. so liz starts crying and goes across the street to some corner store and we see 2 gangbanges. and we tell them the story and they say "dont worry, this our hood, nothings gonna happen" and they get the keys back for us while punching one of the guys hard as fuck(haha. kind of what happened last nite at dans) anyway, we drive back all silent and yeaah, not a good night. liz's boyfriend wass all pissed and he and his possee(more gangmembers) were gonna try to find those kids and beat the shyt out of them, and they should have but we let it go, Vi didnt need any trouble since he was already on probation.
that experience brought her and I close. iN ABOUT august of that year, I backed up into a tree and a van and my car's engine got fucked. CAR ONE. This happened the day before I was supposed to start Columbia College for photography. Someone on that day i madeup my mind to not go there and pay 15k for something i probably wasn't gonna get a very nice living out of. I signed up for Oakton community College the next day. Just for english. Everything was great, I bought a 1994 Oldmobile Achieve S for 1000 bucks(which later turned into 2500 cuz of all the repairs we did) and things were cool for the next couple months. In october of 2003, My parents left for italy(without me, mind you, bastards) and I spent 300 dollars off their creditcard in 9 days. My oldsmolbile had been leaking oil, and being the idiot i am, i didnt check it regulary. so one day i was driving and the car starts steaming, so i kep pressing the peddle harder and harder, as if it was gonna work. So im driving down some road with liz and the oil thing breaks and leaks all this oil, like the car peed on the street. I pushed it on the corner and walked about 2 miles home. 2 days later my parents arrive they were NOT happy to hear the news that the car(car #2) didnt work work any longer, they didnt know about the money for another 2 weeks, cuz thats when the credit summary came) I was without a car while liz searched for cars. she found me a 94 red eclipse(car #3). that was my baby. it was the perfect car for hotboxing, and it was just soo nice. the shift was just like a afterburner 2 joystick. i would press it rapidly, both buttons on itt and pretend i was shooting down cars. ya know..it was awesome.
ohh, and i lost my virginity in November to this girl named Amanda. and of course she has a myspace soo go visit her. lol. www.myspace.com/jewbag
2 weeks later I walked into Petsmart and there was thisss punk girrlie and liz told mee she thought that this girl checked me out. so i asked her for her number. I went out with her for 2 weeks after that. She was 21 and i was 18. sheee sheee taught me a couple things in bed. hehe. And then this one night i got fucked up and passed out and the friends she let stay there cuz they were homeless stole my 300 dollar phone, cuz they were heroin addicts. and fucking assholes. grrr. they denied it though, of course. I broke up with karen. I dunno, i just wasnt attracted to her, sex was great and weeee were really good emotionally, i just ended it,cuz i knew it wouldnt work out eventually anyway, and it wouldnt have since she got kicked out of her apartment and spent like 5-6months going from home to home. she was homeless. i helped her outt wit hsome cash hur n der. she lives in joliet now. Life was great, and the on christmas eve. Liz and I went to shop for her cousin, we looked everywhere but ended up buying some stuff at Abercombie, i didnt know what to get her cousin cuz i totally didnt know herr so i would jus tell her if things were cute or not. I guess liz got pissed cuz supposedly i didnt use much effort in all this. She got really angry on our way home and started calling me all these names, she was really aggitated but i took all of that to heart. it hurt so much. And that was the last time i talked to her for about 4 months, cuz she ignored all my calls and it was basically just like getting slapped in the face. I cried for days, i lost my bestfriend and she didnt care. how the fuck could she just stop EVERYTHING we ever did for some bullshyt reason. She had just gotten an Evo8 and things with her boyfriend were going great. so i guess she just didnt give a shyt about how i felt as long as she was happy. I called and apologized like 50x times, nothing worked. I started to abuse weed and drink everyda, this was christmas break so i had no obligations. This is prettymuch where she became my exbestfriend. we're friends, we just dont chill nearly as much. i still love her though. shes really nice to animals and like. just one of the most down to earth girls ever. she doesnt judge people at all. fukinloveher.
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EMPEROR ALEXXX [20 May 2005|10:59am]
sometimes, i totally feel like hitting someone(and im sooo not violent). you know the feeling when you see someone and for some reason they piss you and you wanna punch the shyt out of them, and then you realize it would totally hurt, not because you care about the pain, but because you realize you're staring at the mirror....

ohhh maaaan, where do i start.
TODAY is payday, and i have over 100+ hours on it. soo i cant wait to cash that.
The money will be distributed as follows:
250 straight outta the check to my mom to pay for car n such(I usually ony pay 150 ever 2weeks but i have extra caassssssssssh)
that shall leave me with about 300-325 for two weeks.
MY friend Kamil and i are throwing down for accesories and we're going to finally grow our shrooms. -30 from me. -20 from him since he's taking care of them.
We need to buy canning jars and some brown rice(i assume we're using brown rice) or rye. He's got the syringe so we just needa inject that shyt do some pressure cooking. wont get into details, but we're hoping for about 400+grams of shrooms. im suure it'll be much less when it's dry. probably 1/3 of it.
He's done it before, this tyme we're partnarrrs. yesh.
After buying a a pack of blunts im guessing i'll have abooot 290. for 2 weeks
Edgar and i might go halves on an OZ today. if not. im just gonna buy an 8th of regs.
and that is my day's plans. I work til 1. and im off. yeehaw.

Sometimes, its soo obvious that girls are fake to eachother. ya know, when they say ooooh yer gorgeos and wutnot, but in realit yyou can juuuuust feeel their negativity. wut they really wanna do is bitchslap the girl. seriously. girls cant get along. HOW THE FUCK WOULD THE WORLD BE BETTER IF WOMAN RULED? seriously? instead of wars over oil. it'll be over makeup. who controls the makeup. ohh maaan. we're gonna have to drill to find makeup. i dunno man. shnutup. i know it makes no sense. I have nothing against girls. I think they're beautiful creatures, and id rather stare at a girl that a guy..anyday. well, obviously, but ya know wut im sayin g.

Soo yesterday i was watching these short episodes about how the world is run by the few elite people. and i found that very infuriating. and then i went to bed and turned the History channel on(i always fall asleep to that shyt) and it was about the russian revolution. anddd fooor some reason my head started to makeup rules id enforce if i were to ever rule. soo thats my new goal. some people might laugh, call me crazy, but i seriously wanna be Emperor! doesnt have to be a huuuuuuge area, but im seriously gonna be emperor one day. There will only be 2 ways of dealing with things. Polite asking, and if that doesnt work, lots of fucking torture, cuz it seems that the only way people will get the point across. Im serious too. fuck that humane shyt, some people don't learn till you beat the shyt out of them and break their will.
First offf, fuck the ghettos. Im tearing them down the second day i get the position. If you bitches cant get along Imma have you shot. Im tired of spending money on people that don't give ashyt about the reprecusiions(sp?)
See, for me, the only reason I don't wanna go to jail is that I KNOW i'mma be raped, probably within the first 20 minutes. Im a fucking white boy and i have a roundish face(ohh, and heres an interesting fact, new born babies prefer rounder faces, they find them more pleasing and comforting, IN YOUR FACE YOU FUCKING LONG ASS FACE BITCHES) i wont last long. jail probably wouldnt bother me if it werent for that. i can isolate and talk to myself. ...anyway, back to the topic.
Weed will be legalized, but not coke. so fuck you coke heads. in fact, ill shoot you people too jus for being stupid and doing it. ive losttt rreally good friendships cuz of it. *sigh*
ALL DRUGS will be controlled, there will be no black markets. ill hang every hard drug dealer. Imma run the drug business, its rreally good money. good money for my government.
anyway, bitches will get stiches. and by bitches i mean girls that deserve to be called bitches because they just are. Im making fucking utopia here, no time for those games n shyt.
and thiss society will be a bit medieval. if you steal. you get yer hand cut off(depending on what you stole and how valuable it is to the person) just like in the middle east. adultery...get yer dick cut off. save the fucking marriages. seriously. if you dont wanna marry someone DONT FUCKING MARRY. theres always exceptions
Basically. EVERYONE WILL TREAT EVERYONE WELL. mandated by law. you dont wanna live here..then fucking die. cuz ill gladly take yer life so other people can have a better one.
This isnt going to be some barbaric country. it will be the best country I COULD MAKE. no greed. no murder, and no ghey shyt. and by ghey shyt i mean things i dont like, since its my fucking country ya bitch.
yeaah, and uhhm, if you have any suggestions. lemme know. ill gladly take yer input. whooo knows. you may even get a nice job out of it..later in life.

Seriously, im tired. if you would like to hang out with a future emperor, 224.622.3500. call me. today. im not doing anything. at all.

aohhhh. and dan is soo cute with his 3 inch NUE bowl. haha. they were gonna chargew me 5 fukcing dollars to get my ball put back in. a NEW LIP BALL costs 3 bucks and they put it in for you. seriously. who the fuck thought of that. i sseriously wanna know so i can put his name on my shytlist. ill fuck with these people when im in control. and jenny told me to make a shirt that says Emperor Alex, and i think i just miight.

<33 you all, just not bitches or hoes. maaaaan fuck people. you smell like poo
1 comment|post comment

updating slowly. [18 May 2005|10:49am]
kay. part one then i supppose
oooh part oneee
and im totally gonna copy and paste this to a blog so inever have to writer it again
and sooo. you see, to know alex, its essential to know where/how alex grew: mkay
alex was born at 1:37am on feb 7, 1985 in a town called kishenau, moldova
wheres that?
its a small country between ukrain n russia and all them, other countries
alex spent the first 6 years of his life going to kindergarten
heee had a happy happy early childhood. his parents were both teachers so the raising was done by his grandparents. mmkay
and heee loved his grandparents, and stillll does. and he'll kill anyone for them. anyone. EVEN YOU

: fast foward...at 6 alex came to america,

heee arrived at nyc..laguardia? i think. airport

and lived with his aunt n uncle for 3 months while his parents worked as literal slaves for minumim wage. and then the family had enough money to move out and he moved to a town called elizabeth, nj. we moved into a 2 bedroom apartment with my parents n grandparents. lived there for about a year. met my first ever bestfriend(Roberto-: he was half filipino/spanish. VERY cute kid).pplaying that one game where you wind the thing and the waiter's hand keeps raising and raising as you put dishes on it till it eventually falls down

so then we moved again to 181 stiles street,. on my first day moved in there was a kid called Andrew Court and he was palying soccer so i asked him "do you wanna be my friend" and so he looked to his mom for approval and then thats how him and I became bestfriends. we were ghettto. as ghettto as you could get being 9. we did lotsa stuff. i played genesis for the first time at his house. and soo thats sentimental

. and then..we lived there for 2 years and had a chance to move to a bigger apartment in the same building. cuz we were livingg in a one bedroom, and so were my grandparents. I ALWAYs slept with my grandparents. right between them in bed, til i was about 11-12. they literally raised me, I saw them 2x as I saw my own parents.
.we didnt move to that apartment and a month later a new friend moved in, his name was boris shapiro
he was a really rreally white kid with freckles. he was very cunning and sly. but he always knew how to listen and talk. so he became my bestfriend too. and at times. we were all bestfriends, and othertimes we'd fight about stupid shyt. like we'd have yo momma jokes and once we ran out the person who had the lamest usually got tagged up on and we upset them,. twas stupid
i moved in 5th grade to florida leaving everything I knew about. My grandparents as well as both of my bestfriends behind and starting a new life for "better schools" or soo my parents said. I gained about 23 pounds that ONE year.

i came back to visit them every summer for 4 years but it wasnt the same. they werent even friends anymore. andrew, my bestfriend for 4 years started doing drugs(this was practically the ghetto, needles on the ground n wut not) and smoking and boris just kinda faded
back to florida
in florida, i didnt have any REAL friends. i meaan, i had school friends but no none to hang out with, not till about 6th grade. in 6th grade i met a kid called tommy miller. he had downsyndrome. but he was my only outside school friend/bestfriend till about 8th grade, and then in the MIDDLE of 8th grade my parents decided to move to glenview for "better schools"
once again. packed up starrted ovaaar., gained about 16 poounds in about 5-6 months. Not to mention the other 20 pounds I gained while living in florida for 3 years.
Sooo start of highschool. im like..190, and highschool isnt really too kind on obese kidds with bad acne. soo ya know. i pretty much isolated myself for most of highschoool.
thats end of part 1.
Part 2
Highschool was a total bust, imm serious. I didn’t enjoy a day of highschool til my last 4 months. It really seemed at the time that every person had something against me. Id be teased n punch constantly. I even had the fortune of being teased by like..uhhm, the current golden gloves champion. Goo meee. So highschool sucked. And people in highschool sucked d.d.d.d.d.d.d.d..d.dick.. I started to lose weight about the middle of 9th grade and I got down to bout 184 from 206 by the end of the year.
in 10th grade, my mom finallys sercumed to the pressure of antibiotics and I finally had a prescription, for about 4 months.
Start of 10th grade was okay. I wanst ass fat, in fact I was down to 176 and my acne was going away. My mom didn’t want me to be on drugs soo we discontinued it and againt. REALLLY bad acne came up on me, everyday, someone said something. Ruining my already low low low self-esteem and confidence. I gained weight again back to 187. 10th grade was JUST like 9th grade, cept I was one year older and SMRTer.
IN 11th grade I met this kid steve kulov, this kid was a genius. He just didn’t apply himself at all. One time on a 7 page paper he literallyt wrote “I WROTE THIS TO FILL UP THE PAPER” over and over and over for 3 pages straight. He was comedy. Fucking hilarious. I like to think he rubbed off on me. Anyway. Halfway through 11th grade we moved to des plaines. Fortunately this time…I stayed at Maine East. Pffft. Best thing that ever come out of that school in recent years is the CHEERleader. Pfft. Wutever. Im not even gonna get into that. That’s another story all its own. Soo uhhm 11th grade sucked, but I didn’t manage to join crosscountry/track/tennis. Obviously I quit tennis and track halfway through it. Fuck that ghey running sheeeeet. Andd you’d think Id make friends. And I did, but once again. School friends. For reason fucking reason nobody wanted to hang out with me. I had lost a bit of weight from running and wutnot but I thought that my weight was the problem, and then began the downward spiral. I started to eat once a day, and run a lot. A lot. Like 5 miles. Bout 3/4th into 11th grade I was down to 138 pounds. Ohh wow. Bones, flesh, and blood. I suppose that was what you call Anorexia(see that, guys dooo have/get it too!) Ooh and I also joined bowling club.
12th grade. Sometime during the summer I began to work out and gained about 16-17 poounds of heavy ass muscle. Back to 160ish weight. This time in my life I was at my physically fittest, and at the same time mentally ill. In about October of 2003 depressssion hit mee hard. Al those years of being depraved friendship took its toll. I began to think of my life as worthless and spent hours and hours thinking about suicide. I also had OCD,Anxiety, and Paronoia. Im still paranoid maaaaan. Even though in mind I know itss not how I perceive itt, but I still see people as people that will potentially not accept me and talk shyt. Anyway. It gotta really bad and on October 30th I told my online friend(shutup. Im a neeeerd) who happened to go to school there. The next day I got a note to go to my counselor…that bitch(what I thought at the time) told my counselor bought my thoughts and there I was in my social worker’s office. 2 days later I was diagnosed by the school psychologist for clinical depression and anxiety. I started to see a psychologist by the end of the year. Blah blah blah Feb 7th. My 18th birthday, first day I took paxil(yeaaaah, started my Adult life with the help of a tiny blue pill). The pill changed me in literally a day. I felt different. I wanted to talk to people. I had no previous communication skills. Id compare them to that of a 8 year old. Which Is why im still kinda not good at talking. I lack the skilllllls. Soo one day I came into the computer lab(like everyday, nerd) but tyhis time I made a note. I wrote “WANT A FRIEND?” on it and posted it. The next day this girl actually signed it and I had a note. We wrote notes back n forth until her friend wrote me one..i was like..mmkay. sweet. Anyway. Long story short. The girl that wrote the note was named Carly and she was a very very pretty girl, possibly the prettiest in the school. Model as well. Through her I met my other friend Liz(pika)>
aannnnywaaay,. Carly wasn’t exactly trusthworthy, for she would talk behind people’s backs, not sure if she talked behind mine. Really don’t care at this point
Back to the story. I became to hang out with them and their bestfriend Quinee. We was all close as hell.
liz…liz and I became good friends relatively quick. We were practically like brother n sister by the end of the year
IN the mean time. People started asking “where the fuck did that kid come from” which really was quite said considering id beeen going to the same highschool for 4 years. Also got the nicknames “weird kid” and “that emo dude” I also met this girl named Natalie(Natalie something, her last name was polish. With like 14 fucking constanents. You know how that is) Natalie was my first crush. At 18 I got my first kiss. Andd things were gfgreat. I just want mentally equipped to handle a relationship and ill just end the story at that.. Meh.
I graduated in 2003. end of highschool
part 3
During the summer liz, quinee, and I hung out every single day. Quinee and I got into verbal fights over stupid shyt cuz she wasn’t able to shut her mouth up. But as time went by we grew closer. N stuff.
like brother n sister
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girls iz stupid. [09 May 2005|11:12am]
[ mood | cranky ]

you know wut. this weekend was probably the best weekend in the past 6 months. On friday i went to dan's. edgar was there. and then we smoked a half a g. and edgar played sonic. he was doing goood and then i dunnno. buh he never finished it. i went to bed early.

Saturday i woke up and went to work til 5. I took the quad of shrooms and i tripped for 8 hours. never in my life have i felt that much happiness. I was crying from laughter and happiness for a good 3 hours. i had to keep wiping my eyes. wish i had a picture. i probably looked cutew crying, i seriousy proibably did. i talked with beth for 3 hours that night. muahaha. insomnia. sucks for herr. great for me. buhh then she eventually fell asleep. and i went home to listen to music..so at like 4am i look at my hands and it looks like they are bleeding, like jesus's hands. theres all this dirt on them and blood from holes. i was .W.t.F. m8. anyway. was awesome, BEST DRUG EXPERIENCE EVAAAARRR.

Sunday i woke up at 1pm! imagine that. 1pm. i dont really think i did anything yesterday. i did get a great deal. 16 grams for 60 dollars. thats a great deal. immmm sooo serious. like a deal aND HALF. plus a shiny quarter dipped in 24k plastic. craig and i played Magic the Gathering. twas fun. my mom called me at 11:30 last night when to ask if ive been smoking weed. heh. heh. i dont smoke weeed. never. ever. sooo i denied it and she was like.. mmhmm. sure sure.

THIS MORNING: she woke me up at 6:00am to talk to me. she told me she knows i smoke weed and she's known for a while. like. shyt niggamom. stop playing games with me. you shoulda been like .alex. i know you smoke. anyway. we talked today. til 8 am. about like..my life. and everything thats going on. girls problem(the NO GIRL, problem. heh. heh.) friends problems. schoooool. drug problems.(which i dont doo, anywaaaay) though she never told me to stop smoking... i have never talked to my mom like that. ever. then of course i couldnt get back to sleep so i made food and my work calls. so guess wut. now im at work from 10am-10pm. great great great. fucking great.

I'm also in pure bitch mode. there are soo many things pissing mee off right now. just the way people act towards eachother. girls to girls. girls to guys. guys to girls, guys to guys. people to people.i dunno. i just think people need to care about others more and not put up a front. I've never done that. im meee. you'll never see a change in me. sincere from day one. why cant everyone. if anything, it only gets better cuz i'll feel more comfortanle.
i dont fucking seeeee why girls are soo retarded. this is whaaat really pisses me off. when they complain and complain about wanting a good guy when they are righti n front of their facer, but nOoo. they want a fucking asshhole. serious...girls under 18 arent grown up. IM SERIOUS. you may think you are, buttt you're not mature enough yet. you're still living bullshyt.
i've also noticed that the girls that dont wear much makeup are usually nicer, they are pleasant and fun to be around.. its like girls put on makeup to be fake, which they really anyway. with all that makeup. if i had makeup Id be prettier than a lot of them. and i could doo it better too. WAY BETTER. and clothes. okay. be original for once. for oncccce. try new combinations on. IF I WERE A GIRL ID PUT GIRLS THE SHAME, cuz they'd look boring. which i already think a lot of girls are. boring. because its always the same shyt they talk about. get a life. seriously. learn history, about the world around you. DO SOMETHING TO EDUCATE YERSELF. you know how you see a group of girls and they look the same. yeah. woo. .superficial artificial. there are few exceptions... and ya know. if any of this offends you, its only cuz theres truth in it. its their underwear. if i had a fucking string running up my ass id be a little uptight too. and bitchy. more bitchier than now.

And righht nowww at this moment.. id love to get a cute girl. we can put hoodies on and a blanket or something and go the pond and watch the ducks swim around and cuddle. and then she can put her head under my neck and i'll kiss it. and that would make my day. riight krystel. yeah. heh. <3

OHH, and the best way to get rid of somoene' body is to eat them. i thought bout that. and if i ever have to kill someone , il gonna eat them. yeah, cannibalism blah blah. fuck you. meat is meat. the cow meat you're eating probably ate some grass that had shyt on it from a long long time ago when this monkey man died there. and then they grass grew on top of him. or something.

p.s. my jaw is dislocated, and its not from sucking dick. but it hurts. ohh. and poo.p.

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tell me you love me. please. =\ [06 May 2005|10:41am]
[ mood | lonely ]

yesterrday i got a haircut. itsss sooo short and i feeel soo horrible inside. it depressed me soo much, now i gotta wait for it to grow back, mayne! and then i went to northpark university to chill with tony. on my way there, the highway speed was 20 mpg for 25 minutes. and 87 the next 6 minutes/ figure it'll average it out. twas cold, but we stood outside for a good hour laughing at life. and that was soo great because our imaginations jus got out of control. ohh, and we were high too. soo it musta been amusing as hell watcing us. I was wonderingg what trees say to other tress. like.."hey PUSSSYwillow, my trunk is bigger than yours. lol" and then another is like. "heeey behbeh, idd like to stick my roots into you sometime." and the shrubs for landscapping were like. "hey, sup mayne. know what im sayin mayne?" just like the landscaping they are. get it? and then i left just intime to get home and watch Adult swim as i rolled a blunt n lit it up. good times. and theeeeeeen *gets excited like a nerd* CRAIG AND I played Magic The Gathering. we are teh coolest. and then talkeeed to dan-o bout life growing up.

Agenda for today. Work til 12, go to gym, get eyebrows done at 1:30(oucchhie) go cash my paycheck, come home. eattttt, go back to school at 3, work til 5:30. go take a survey for $60 bucks, come back at 7. work til 10. pickup 2 8th of shrooms for my ex-bestfriend and a g and get to it round 10:20. thas all i can clearly say seeing as how i never have plans for anything nor am i ever invited soo it's either call and ask people to hang out with me(which by the wal, makes me feel really special) or jus sit and wait for somoene to call, which they wont

and on to RAMBLING.

i find the fact that nobody cares about events/people outside them thoroughly disgusting and disturbing. malaria, aids, death camps in korea. but you seee, tv wants you to believe the only people suffering are those girls that live 476 miles away that are getting kidnapped. and then it turns out they were 2 miles from their house the WHOLE FUCKING TTIME, yeah. ohh, and blah blah. check this movie out mayyne, same plot, even the same actors, but this time the creature isnt a boy or a girl, its a monkey. its all bout money. i suure fucking hope that when/if i ever go missing i get the same mass media attention. stupid ass public. and the sad thing iss, THEY DONT WANT TO CARE. content in life, ignorance is bliss. and on a lighte note, the world's largest sex toy operates with 52 batteries: one of them spiffy multi-colored ones

seriously though, you have ONE life, unless yer indian, cuz then you can either hope to reincarnate as a cow, or if yer bad. an ant. true story. happend once before to me. or not. im sorrry, but i find more pleasure in helping others, anyone. seeing people happy makes me happy. i dont need any rewards, i dont need any praise. i jus want people to be happy. the world is soo fucked up. its soo hard for me to see somoene suffering. going through what i went/go through. tears me up. A LOT. people's troubles probably affect me more than them because I wanna do everything i caan but im soo useless. lets analogize this, somethhing im rreally good at. its like being a doctor with the knowledge and skill to help people and not having the tools to which to do it with. and soo i think i wanna be a message therapist. ladddies. laddddies. i have REALLY soft hands. and NO. not from lotion. fucking perveeees.

PS--i love anyone that reads this because you took the time for me. thank you. <3

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fucking ghey [03 May 2005|08:05pm]
and sooo another day has passed, one jus like the other, no different. in fact. the same exact. if we were to replay the days and stop at certain moments. it would be a replica of the next and the before days. Friday I worked, and then i got hiiigh, Saturday...got high, BUT went to a hookah bar with tony(BTW TONY, they dont run a very respectable joint there. you gotta friggin put coals on the hookah anddd you gotta get the hookah started? mayne W. T.F mate. imm no expert on this whole hookah thing, but ive been to several, and uhhm, when you inhale the smoke and exhale. you get a lot of smoke. white smoke. and ytou can taste the flavors, melon and apple arent supposedd to taste tyhe same. but i hadd a relatively fun time,. considering i didnt know anyone there, or the fact that I kept wanting to bring up stereotypes that probably would have gotten me killed. hahah. and nobody knew how to use their force poweers. meh..

ohh, and then i went to sleep at 4 sunday morning. sunday I awoke at 2.30(knowing me, thats about a 3hour change) and uhhm, smoked up. went to the guy-m(SAY IT LIKE HOMER SAID IT) and uhh, pretty much stayed in the haze all day. except for when JO JO(joanna. my ex-geeeee <3)picked me up and we ate soup somewhere and i took a lot of crackers. heh. they are all in my car right now, and i plan on waking up at 4am one of these days to feed the ducks with them.

Today, i woke up with the most interesting feeling. it was that of not caring. at all.
Heres what i neeeed, badly. A HUG. yes, a fucking hug. a great big hug to show me that someone gives a shyt about me. i neeeed a girlfriend, i neeed more friends, i neeeed a purpose for getting up in the morning. other than to smoke.weed. i wish i were more social. or socially adept. i cant talk to people if i dont know them. not unless i get a vibe, and when i doo, they end up thinkin im weird, which is the best feeling in the world. i constantly feel judged by strangers. even though they may not be..its quite hard for my brian to switch from thinkin everyone is a potential nme. uhhm, i think one of my burn marks got infected, cuz its started to change colors and that damn white liquid is coming out. but its still fine, i see it as part of the process. its happened many times to my hand and it always heals later. i need someone to care for, so that i can make someone happy. at least one person. i feel like such an affection whore. thats the only time i feel happy. when someone shows mee some. it doesnt even have to be a real thing. its all the same to me.

I wish someone would tell me they loved me. not in a I love you cuz yer soo cool kind of way, but in a "i respect you and care for you cuz yer a great person to be with"
so perphapsssss. perphaps what i really need is a girlfriend. probably. but uhhm, i mess those things up quite quick. considering i dont have any more pills to control my mooods. it' would most likely be too depressing around me and then they'd be like ,bitch, imma dump you foo. and yes, btw. everyone in my head is ghetto and talks straight up from the hood. hoooodieee hooooooo. mayne. seriously. i want one of those forms that says be my girlfriend, cept none of those damn questions are important to me. i jus want somone sincere, and carrring ,and loving, and cuddleable(?).
ohh and..uhhm
i dun feel like typing anymore. but if i do today, ill jus adddd on to this thingy. and stuff.
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im the cake, you only like the frosting. [29 Apr 2005|10:44am]
[ mood | depressed ]

As i woke up today, i had the most intense headache come on. like a migraine. a fucking migraine(sp?) with pms. im not even kidding. and now im feeeling shitty. not physically,. but mentally. i keep having discussions with myself about how worthless i am. you'd think talking to yourself would result in an automatic draw. but noo. the part of me that brings me down to where i feel like the most subtle comment will get me reeeling in tears. it's all the same. everyday. work. school. weed. sleep.i have this really strong urge to cut or burn parts of my body. in cassse ya dunnno. thats why my arms are all discoloured..cuts here. burns there. meh. i havent done it in sooo long but the urges return. I dont even like smoking cigerettes yet i find myself wanting one. wanting many things and achieving little is all i've ever done. goals are worthless if they can't be attained. but at the same time. you can't attain anything if you dont set a destination point. my destination is happiness and as of now, the only way to get there is weed.

I havent had a thing to get up for in about 2 months. maybe the last time i was happy was because i had a girlfriend, but even then i wasnt fully there.
relationships are really hard for me. im not mentally developed to handle them. i didnt have any to learn from. and from the ones ive had it's either me fucking a good one up or someone fucking with my head. why are those beautiful creatures know as woman so...complicated. yet at the same time. they really aren't. except for saying what they want and doing the complete opposite. jus to fuck with you. i swear. noo. you don't want a fucking sweeet guy that would do anything for yer happiness. yes. you say that, but you want the fucking frosting, not the cake. the frosting is what i like to call..the pointless shyt that won't any difference later in life. it's kind of having a good tasting frosting but not being able to eat it cuz you'll get fat, and die alone with 50 cats, eating catfood and knitting clothes for the baby you never had cuz you were a bitch. welll im the cake, the plain vanillla, or the plain chocolate(that i would be, cuz im black) that willl make you happy, but i taste bad. so who wants that. heh.

In the past couple weeks i've been trying to be very polite to people. I personally would love people to be nice to me, but when i do. it's like..people expect others to be mean. they look at me all weird as if i have a hidden agenda. well. only to make people's day's betters.. im jus tired of seeing people sad and i try to help and these people look at me as if IM THE WEIRD one. wtf is this. when i order something from a drive thru im really paranoid that they fucked with it. im all happy.. telling them "one moment please." and thanks and all that stuff and they dont even give me mild sauce when i ask twice for it. but seriously. how can people be so fucking mean to eachother. everyones just trying to chug along. you're not better than me. if anything. im better than you because i acknowledge yer existance and try to make you feel better bout it. im also smart cuz i try to see what things i can NOT get away with. to test people. everyone needs a hug. i need a hug. and im everyone cuz the world revolved around ME. MEMEMEMEMEME. but enough about you. more about me. i want a hug right now. or i'll seriously cry.

So once again, im in that position of being alone and empty. I want soo badly to just have a bestfriend. ya know, being able to enjoy eachother's company without even doing anything. thats what i want. I wanna feeel like someone cares. and that if something does happen, someone would be there to visit me at the hospital and sing to me and hug me and listen to my stupid jokes like this one "you knowww how they have eastsiiiyyyyde and westsiiiiyddde in america..well they got sheeeeeeeiyyyyte in iraq." yeah, nobody thinks that funny, but thats genius. genius i says. and all those other friend stuff. like getting drunk and talking about pointlesss shyt expressing how much you care about yer friend snd how awesome they are.(yeah, i seem to do that a lot) ARGGH. i just wanna feel the closeness i once had.
my heart may look like <3 but it feels like <#3

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shroomery n groomery [22 Apr 2005|11:28am]
ola ehh.
as weeee all know(AT LEAST THOSE THAT FUCKING READ MY BLOGS) today is a long boring 11 hour workday. i have a three hour break from 12-3. in that time i need to cash my paycheck. buy uhmm..supplies. and take a nap.
my mind is a bit slooooow today, probably because i havent smoked anything for 2 days. 2 DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and yes. they were neccesary.

is it just me or does the new Pope look like emperor palpatine? and can't you jus see him sayin something like "It is unavoidable. It is your destiny. You, like your father, are now ... mine." c'mon. alex, yer such a stupid ass nerd. heh. heh.
and that brings me to the topic of movies. i currently have Amytyville(?hows that spelled) horror, Kung Fu Hustle and Be Cool on my computer soo if anyone would like to watch them with me, cuz i havent yet..c'mon.
andd i really really feel like watching office space and half-baked. im particularly fond of half-baked. I dunno why. i dont endorse that whole lifestyle at all. AT ALL. far as im concerned, they're just a buncha lazy punks that spend ALL their money on weed. and gas. to get the weed. or so i heard.
"Brian: Get some sour cream and onion chips with some dip, man, some beef jerky, some peanut butter. Get some Haagen-Dasz ice cream bars, a whole lot, make sure chocolate, gotta have chocolate, man. Some popcorn, red popcorn, graham crackers, graham crackers with marshmallows, the little marshmallows and little chocolate bars and we can make s'mores, man. Also, celery, grape jelly, Cap'n Crunch with the little Crunch berries, pizzas. We need two big pizzas, man, everything on 'em, with water, whole lotta water, and Funyons.
Kenny Davis: That's it?
Thurgood Jenkins: Yeah, get me that thing we used to eat back in the day? It came in a box. What was it... oh yeah, pussy"

xGeneral Wesley Clark a very very good looking man. I was watching real-time with Bill Mahr and he was one of the panel. as was a dixie chick. heh. heh. dick. he heh ehehehe, hehehe.

ohkay. i tell you hhhwat. i want everyone to drive the way i drive. i meaan. those stupid cars that gooo allllllll slow, and you can't pass cuz theres someone just as stupid blocking the other lane. I swear, sometimes i think they're doing it just to fuck with me, which they probably are. Have you ever been drivinin and somoene passes riiiight by you and nearly hits you. and then you think to yerself that assholes like that need to crash..into fences(**not that ive ever done it*) So i ask youu. why is it that the people driving too slow are dumb, and the people driving too fast are crazy. WHY IS IT IM THE ONLY ONE THAT KNOWS HOW TO DRIVE A FRIGGIN CAR. granted ive had 6, but i like to think of it as experience. and another thing. ohh mee geeeee! i hate it when you're driving and a car is on the sidestreet waiting to get it. and you can CLEARLY see it isnt going to have enough time to get in the lane and go the proper speed but it does anyway, and then not only do they not attain the speed. they go slower than the speed. until they eventually turn right...into a retirement home, WHERE THEY BELONG. i mean, when im old. my time is gonna be precious. im not gonna be wasting it. IMMA SPEED everywhere. and then i can use the old man excuse. just like seinfeld's uncle.
if anything. id wanna get somewhere as fast as possible so i can get more done. if you're gonna die. you're gonna die anyway. especially if you'rte old. a 10 mile per hour difference wont even make a change. cuz once they break something, its broken. and in theory. if the pope were to have started taking care of his body out in his early 30s, and assuming he doesnt get any mental diseases, he could theoretically be live for a good 125 years. right?

looking to get my eyebrows done today. itt will hurt, but its all worth it. and shrooms, buying a half oz. stash some for later ya know? anddd i chilled with really awesome girl yesterday. and went to a headshop like 2 minutes from her house, and she didnt even know it existed. haha. stupid smileys with noses. but they're cute.likeher.

enough for now. more for later. my mind is always coming up with new things, its just that when i try to remember them, well.. my memory isnt so good. dunno why though. NO IDEA.
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420, where are your children? [20 Apr 2005|06:39pm]
as far as my children(sprm) are concerned..they're being killed. take it as you want. but immm sure as hell am not gonna let one of them escape and impregnate someone. no. not even if they paid me..
and ya know what?
"You ever seen the back of a 20 on weed??? Oh there's some weird shiat in there man.
There's a dude sitting in the bushes. Does he have a gun? I don't know man. I don't know. What? Red team go. Red team go"

Currently. I do NOT have any weed, or money. but SUE(name hidden for protection for individuals) said that she'd spot me money and we're shrooming. heh. I don't even know if ill be smoking on 420. imagine that. what a fucking travisty. though technically I smoked last night at 12:30. but still...

I had a vision from the weed god
I had a dream last night that i was growing a weed plant. I hide it in my parent's closet and when i got it, it was about 4-5 inches tall. I distinctly remember closing the closet door. the next thing i remember(well, the next memorable) is me opening to closet to find the light on and the plant being around 4 feet tall. IT reeeeaaaaked of weed, dunno why. soo i go to close the closet and i turn around with my mom bitchin about it. I took some buds off from the middle of it. cuz apparrently it was flowering, but not fully, and the top was getting there...blah blah blah. a couple minutes later ive got about 2 grams in my hand. I smelled it. but it had NO SMELL. i had no idea why but im suure i made some bullshyt reason up in my dream, i jus cant remember what i said about it. then i smoked a gram of it in a blunt. i think it got me high but im not quite sure. and then i woke up for work at 8:30am.
got to work at 9am. did some installs and uninstalls an dthen installs again for teachers. got home at 12 and took a nap, but the nap was to be til 2, but it tturned out to be til 4:15. i woke up and went to work(1:15 hours late)

and noww for a kink in the system.
was high and this came to my head. how can you be an african-american. I know. yer' probably like. "well alex, african-americans are the people that came from africa" and then ill proceed by bitchin bout how wrong you truely are.
If you're from Ireland, you're an Irish-American, if you're from some other country n blah blah. yer that country-american. soo how can there be african americans? africa is a continent. shouldnt they be saying which poor country in africa they're from(noo stereotyping of course, cuz i don't do that). IT SHOULD be congo-american, nigerian-america. know what i sayin jo? Now, some might say, "butt they can't cuz Africa was only 13(or sumfin like that) countries before it gained its indepedence from britain after WW2" well too fucking bad, and as far as I'm concerned, if you can't name the country yer from then you're jus AMERICAN. no dual(meaning 2, retard)-boot system shyt(damn, i work with computers too much). yoiu're either american or not. you dont hold two citizenships, bitch.
and another thing
European girls are way prettier than american girls. not thaat it matters to me cuz im all about personality(*gets struck by lightning for lying) butt still.and im out...for now. happy 420

420 yeah yeah, ive got some 1337 html skills.
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tell you wut mang [18 Apr 2005|08:50pm]
i tried to do the background n make my mySPACE all pretty n shyt but then it kept not even letting me login. and then it was saying how my page was taken down for maintenance blah blah. but i swear...
it is now 8:16.
i woke up at 10:14.35seconds and called work to see if i hadda come in, and my supervisor was like no. blah blah. I said sweeet and went back to bed...til 4.00PM. DUM DUMD DUMMM. *dramatic n shyt.
I attribute my superskill of sleep due to me being bitten by a radioactive spider(suuure, it sounds similar to that other punk-bitch-tightieswearingmofo. but its not.). which gave me super powers. like..like, being able to look sad even though im not. having the ability to conjure up imaginery friends and being able to have conversations with them...and, and and and and...THERES MORE DONT YOU FUCKING SHUSH ME!

I just ran around the computer lab making sure all the computers know their place in MY lab(aka turning them off). this one computer didnt comply so i ghosted his ass. yeah.

In my stoner mindset I came up with a new term for hotboxing the car. It shall now be called GHOSTING. it sounds cool, and if it sounds cool. it must be. AND I SAID SO.
from now on...I'mma say "Let's go ghost the car" orr "we fucking ghosted that shyt jo" dats how we do it, mang!

I take paxil, and it lets me remember my dreams. I especially enjoy remembering the fucked up dreams. Last nite i had a dream that some kid put acid on my fucking blunts. like wtf right? and then i asked for more and he gave me some of those listerine breathe strips. and soo, ive unhidden the secret plan. Seems that listerine is placing acid in those things. I mean, ive thought this over and over and over and this is the only conclusion that i could come up with.

Update on my progress with fitness. I've lost about 7-8 pounds of fat and gained bout 4-5 of muscle. and yes, I know how to fucking check! calipers are decent, i need one of those fullbody scans though to make that shyt accurate. Im looking to go to that MSI show on tuesday. cuz msi owns. they use fucking 8bit sounds from genesis and nes and synthesis that shyt! I played ALTERED BEAST for genesis yesterday. for like the 1000milliionth time and it owned. I hate that fucking BEAR level(lvl 4 or 5, i forget) cuz the guy is too fucking fat to jump and i keep falling into the holes and losing my life. and you only get 3 lives. and then i played some ghouls n ghosts. heh. i play it purely to watch the guy run around in boxers. now that game..its quite difficult. i barerly got past the second lvl. i tell you mang. imma start skating again. cuz i was sooo good at it before(SARCASM) but it jus feels good to ride it. The air in ma face, the blood everywhere. me limping..pure fun. aaaamd ots been 15 minutes and dunno what to to write. well i do, but it seems that people would rather read books than my blogs. WHY? I DONT FUCKING KNOW. either way. sorry to disappoint if you wanted a longer one, but keep in mind that one was for a week, this is for 4 days. and ill probably be updating more.

ohh, and the SHAME ON YOU, BITCH of the day.
You live in Northbrook and you were on my buddy list until you startyed to ignore me. FOR NO FUCKING REASON YOU FUCKIN CUNT. yeah. you're the type of person that leads me to keep to myself. because you can't have an open mind. you will get yours. not from me or by me. BUT, trust me. someday. you'll be fucked(no literally but ya never know). have a nice day. bitch. (I dont call girls bitches unless its in a friendly way, or i hate you. and this isnt a friendly shoutout, bitch)
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What the fuck did you jus read? [15 Apr 2005|11:49am]
Having a grand imagination means i can switch from reality back into my own world. I try to take people along with me, and if they understand the differencee i can usually bounce ideas off.

I have 1 hour left of morning work over here at the IT HELP. I shall then proceed to take a 2 hour nap. followed by a quick shower and a meal until i get back to work at 3 working in the computer lab. Now, some might say, how is it possible for you to have 2 of the coolest jobs in the world, not to mention the awesomely high wage that i get. Well, there is no secret. Its all cuz im cool..im serious. You'd think that me talking to teachers n staff all day would somehow give me major connects, but nope. I refuse to allow myself to get greedy, jus like the untouchables(the movie, not the lepores(?)) I have Maxim and FHM to READ later though. Im noticing that the older i get, the harder it is for me to concentrate on one item. i'VE also heard that this happens to people who are potheads. but im not pothead, hell, ive never even smoked. not even a cigerette. in fact, im xXx forr life. fuck, ohkay. soon as i get home, imma watch some porn and then fall to sleep. cuz its soo much quicker that way? you guys knoww wha imma say yesh?

I needs to buy meself some car scent spray because all this hotboxi..errr, i mean flowers are making my car smell too good. yes.
I totally wanna go buy some transformers. when i first came to america my aunt gave me 2 mini transformers. they were green and white cars but they turned into super robots of doom. like one inch high! and i bet they could shoot lasers too, i just didnt know how activate them.

I really reallyt woulfd like some new friends. People to hang out with. do stufff. pitch in money for weed. ya know. friend stuff? but the more i think about wanting them, the more i keep to myself. jus look at my life. its all one big rollercoaster. friends, no friends. totally depression. friends. depression. no friends. depression. yeah, i have depression. because im fucking emo? way more than you guys. and by emo i mean emotional. not that bullshyt dress like this.listen to this so you can be labeled emo. I will never become labeled, other than maybe a pothead, but unless you are one. you'd never understand. i think we're the most open minded people in the world. everyone is welcome to smoke. girl, boy, cat, dog. mice. whatever. and then the cat willeat the mouse and the dog will eat the cat and some asain boy willeat the dog. but im not stereotyping or anything. cuz i dont do that. ever.
ohh and stoner chicks are hot and id totally go out with one(hint hint..yeaah, as if i'd find one that would lik emeh)
I have no time for anything. working 42 hours a week and going to college is stressing me ouit. and the gas prices? dont git me started, but here's what we do. Once those damn Arab countries run out of oil, we sell the oil back to them but at like 10000x the price. but camels aand bikes dont need gas, unless they use gopeds. you dont need a liscene for gopeds by the way, annd they can get up to 100 mpg.

and so 2 days ago, i got called fat. though im not.atall. the comment brought back soo many memories that i left my x-bsffriend's liz's house like 3 minutes after and cried on my way home. those memories will probably scar me til death. and you know what, i didnt go and shoot people. im fairly sure ive seen more violence and played more destructive games then many, yet i am peaceful. i always will be. im not agressive at all, unless im in bed(heh heh)

soo i need to go to more shows. err shows at least. havent had time at all. who wants to go? yeah. as if more than 5 people read any of my blogs. dude, fucking read my blogs. i actually take the time out of my day to read most of your journals and i actuallyt care. yeah, and if i send you a message, at least fuckng reply. fucking being proper, thas jus polite. i took the time to reply, now you do it.

the only relief i get is knowing that someday. karma shall even everything out.

you know how you have all these genius ideas but you dont have paper in front of you to write them down but when you get it you forget wtf you were going to write? well...ilet's get the bums to drive carts that people sit in. just like in Atlantic city, but with bums. And if you think this idea sounds similar to that episode of Seinfeld where Kramer tries to make money off bums by having them pull the carts...you're wrong. in fact, i made that whole episode and what you just read you didnt read at all. for you are sleeping. and im a fucking retard.
annnnd i love YOU. yeah, you, the person in the corner. over there..under the rug. knoe wut im sayin yo?
ohh, and im the most open minded person within 10 feet of me. I get my eyebrows done, i use moisterizer for my face. and my hands are softer than yours and ill even bet you. yeaah. i actually WASH my fucking hair more than once a week. and i;ve learned how to walk. and thas kinda hard ya know?
you superficial girls thaT currently like guys that look exactly the same.(im fucking serious, they're all like size 0 girls jeans because ya know. thats cool to be that skinny.) yeah eyah, blah blah you wear them cuz theyre tight and fit better. they're tight because you're too fucking skiiny for normal jeans. if you werent a fucking skeleton, normal jeans would be tight on you as well. the only thing i like about girls jeans is the flare, because it reminds me of calves of anime characters. and i really really do hope someone bitches me out for my opinions, because that would just prove me right. well im always right, other than the times im wrong, which i never am. soo when you girls get past 30. if you're not married. it's probably cuz you were too fucking picky. or wanted to enjoy life. aka fucking n partying and no giving a damn about anyone other than yerself and friends that would backstab you the first chance they get. and if you're mad now, itrs probably cuz you know the shyt that i just wrote because i was ranting pointlessly is true. ABOUT YOU.

ohh and hate it when i tell a girl i like her and they never talk to me again. because thats exactly the type of response i wanted back. duntcha know?
i hope everything i've written is exciting, cuz if i were reading what i wrote and i werent me, id be like , g'damn yo, this nigga be crazy, imma give him a pound of weed cuz he's cool. but thats all a fantasy. jus like have good friends and a girlfriend. right?
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friends? anyone? [01 Apr 2005|11:52am]
and money and weed, buttt dooo i have any? NOOOoo. stupid white man always trying to screw me.

I'm at work...working. Sin City is out today, yeah, i'd goo but i dun wanna beee ohh soo cool and go alone again, cuz uhhm, i dont. The ONLY thing thats keep me going so far today is knowing i have a blunt ready for me when i get home. I have NOTHING else to look foward to today, err, orrr, the whole fucking weekend at that. Seems to me people call mee more when i get my paycheck..like, wtf. Ohhhkay. i may not beee rich, but I am rich. im rich with life. i don't give a shyt about whatever you wanna do. all i can do is support people and try to help them. being with them when they need mee. 24/7 pretty much. noowww, when i need to talk to someone, who do i have? my best e-buddy kara which i've known for 3 years. thas itttt, and that only happens 1-2 a month cuzzz its long distance. I needto get some hair wax n lotion. My eyebrows will probably git a cleanup next week. goddamn it'll hurt again. *mommie =(*

Im sooo fucking lonely. i need like a hug, or two or three. or jus needa be hugged forr so long. i feel like im worthless...other than being BROKE, i ammm worthless. why the fuck cant i make anyone happy. i haveeeee a very few amount of friends, and thas ghey. not even strong friendships. iii think im a very cool kid. im honest, im never cruel. i fucking love seeing people happy..unless i hate that person..which i dont hate cuz hate is such a strong word(EMO GIRL!). I sooo badly want a bestfriendship with someone buttt im scared that it'l jus get fucked up, jus like my last friendships. ive always wanted to have had someone to grow up and share joy with. III personally havent had a bestfriendship longer than 6 months. intense 6 months butt 6 months nontheless. ohh god, im jus jibba jabbering away. well thats okay. i have 30 minutes left then im off. Im also realllly hungry. I FUCKING HATE PEOPLE...people smell like poo. PERSONS..i like, people persons are unique and truthful. PEOPLE are insincere and 2face..maybe 3faced. 2face was a gooooooood character. batman returns? forever? whatever, that was a good movie with nickolas or whatever his name is.

and people think theyt're weeird. but i havent met any weird people, jus immature people that confuse the two. immature people find stupid shyt funny. weird people find ODD things funny. we have sarcasm up the ass, we talk about stupid shyt. we chew on straws and dont care how shameful we look. weell, i dont. SO FUCKING WHAT IF I LIKE FREE SHYT. its not a crime to ask if its freee. and sometimes, they even feel sorry for yer ass and you actuallyt get it for FREE. yeah. and i tell you what...he looka likaa man. man, i got sooo teary(from laughter) when i first saw that episode in 96. madtv. as i think back on my life, it sucks. like badly. getting kissed for the first time when yer 18 isnt normal. never having a long friendship/relationship long is fucked up. imm probabvly being really down on myself. butt ive got problems. like waaay more than most people. really badddly self conscience. i wish i were good looking, though looks doesnt buy happiness, it buys MORE friends. not quality friends, but friends. i hate the fact that nobody but a few people will ever understand me. iii do cut, i do sometimes throwup. i do have bad anxiety.depression. as much as i'd love to not care about what people think of mee, iddd like to see someone that makes a promise to me to KEEP IT. dont tell mee we'll be friends for a long time and then ditch my ass for the next person you'll bee LOONG friends with. i fucking hate worrying about people, and yet it gives me something to do..doesnt it? MAYBE im one of those people who actively seeks help but doesnt wanna change..but i dunno. i DO wanna change, i fucking hate my life as it is. yeah, whatever. im done. 15 minutes left. i need money. friends. life..

Sometimes I think I'll die alone, sometimes I think I'll die alone
Sometimes I think I'll die alone, live and breathe and die alone

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random bullshyt cuz i like it [25 Mar 2005|10:24am]
hurr i am again worrrking. tis a long day for me. 8-12am. 3-10pm. fuckin gheeey. lessseeee, onnn me mind is my life. i don't do anything. every. i go from person to person looking for someone i can trust but it aint happening. idd love to find someone i could actually talk to for more than a couple minutes. i meaaan, when you think about it..manure isnt that bad of a word. it's got a nuree which is always good and then a ma in front of it..ma-nure. great word. great show. seee, likeee if anyone knows what i mtalkin about then you're already aweeesome. i fucking looooove it when people cant tell sarcasm. get it. yeaah...friday sucked, saturday sucked, sunday sucked , monday sucked, tuesday sucked. weekends use to be cool, what happen to you weekends? weekends still cool, you pay later, later! godamn i love china. err, weekends. errr simpsons..i fucking love random things. DID anyone see futurama yesterday. the manhole cover for new york had the PJs on it. how cool was that? I drank yesterday, my parents are gonna be sooo pissed when they find all those bottles of alkeehol(patent pending patent pending, dont take my fucking words bytch<--that one too) missing. my stomach really feels bad right now, like all of a sudden.
oooOOOOO, i hate it when people addd others just cuz a lot of people have them on their friends list. i meaan, if the person has 1000 friends, you being one of them doesnt make you any special, dont even tryyyyy to be friends with them. ohh ohh, yer sooo good looking. shytt, well obviously. attention whore.i dont get that shyt..you know what else i dont get? ovaltine, the mug is round, the jar is round, why dont they jus call it roundtine? aha. i personally dont know why i dont have more friends. i meaaan, im a very awesome person to be around and the friends in my head agree. my mom called me pretty ones too soo gah. dont try to figure this out, its all typing as i think, shyt, i cant even think cuz im typing so it jus comes out. OOOONNNNE day you shall all pay. my monkeys will take over and ill be the emperor. NOOOO, im not high, id love to be but im broke fgor 2 more days! i hate it when people use me, for my car, for my friendship, for my tendency to never say no to weed(KEEP ASKING ME, I <3 YOU MORE). i have noooooooooo gas. 23.4 miles left. 40 to get to school and back foir the next 3 dheys.

soooo yesterday i got my eyebrows done, they really hurtttt, really really badly. all red n shyt, but not anymore. i got home and put aftershave on them, it really made them better. and it smelled pretty nice. then i drank. 7 shots. 5 for craig. bottle is out. garrr. i wartched barber shop 2 till i fell asleeeep. I DIDNT EVEN GET TO THE PORN. yeaah, sucked. man. iiiiii wish...iiii wiiish, thas all i can say. ohh and by the way. dont let my skin color foool you. im from jerseeeeey. wurd to my brotha and sistas strugglin to get a hold in the WHITEMAN's land. haha. damn white people.
OKAY. MILK GOES WITH ANYTHING/EVERYTHING. theres nothing it doesnt go with. even water. it even goes with milk. like some milk with 2 schoops of powdered milk with some condensed milk? thas milk. butttt PEANUTBUTTER
ohhh, my mom buys me tons of it and i neeeeda stop munchin on that shyt cuz that makes me gain weight, ive been working out. i lost 4 pounds but im suure i gained muscle cuz i feel harder(you sick0s) and uhhm, im hungry and that honey bunches of oats cereal(freshie called me that yesterday, he made me feel better) isnt that good. soo. im done for now. im not even going to read what i wrote, cuz its a masterpeice..damn, okay. ifff anyone wants to come with. immma go to Secrets(belmont/clark) on SATURDAY and buy a peice. meet up with me. smoke up with me. have sex with me. haha, well. wishful thinkin. bah. kay.
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life of alexXx [14 Mar 2005|06:40pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

howdy. ehh. so im once again "working"
Seems to me like days been going by sooo fast.
On wed and friday i chilled with the olld crew. Ahmad. Spencer. Kris.
Since there's no Freddie for 5 days. they decided to call me and chill? I did, it was okay, jus not like it used to be. they did coke. i didnt. we smoked. gaah

Friday i got mee paycheck andi quickly bought an 8th. twas gone by the end of the day. Saturday..I had work at 1, i came in at 1:45. I felt really bad because there's this nice japanese man that works the shift with meee and last week i was late by 1:30 hours and he didnt tell my supervisor, and this week, i was late again and he didnt tell my supervisor. I dont want him to think that i did it on purpose thinkin i can get away with it, cuz I didnt, and it makes meee really sad jus thinkin he could have thought that. He's jus a nice guy and it hurts me even though i didnt plan on it.
After work i picked up another 2 grams. craig threw down as did emm, and craig owed me from firday so i bought 2 grams and basically smoked for the price of $10.
After that chilled with luke and ozzy and threw down, smoked a gram, and then this kid shawn which i hadnt seen in a year came by and i threw down with him and took a half g with me. I rolled a nice tight mini-blunt with it. Went back to craig's house and smoke the rerst of the 2gs.

Woke up Sunday at 6pm and smoked the .5g personal blunt i rolled for myself. Took a shower, went to craig's house and gathered up the roaches from the other three blunts and joined it with the roach i smoked earlier and had about .5g. Made another resinated blunt and smoked it with craig. got usss preeeettty high. 2 hours later wanted to smoke some mo, but noooo weed. Had the resinated blunt roach, took it apart. Wasn't that much weed so i opted for a joint. no rolling papers. soo i took a cigerette and cut it down the middle, mixed weed n tobacco(euro style) and smoked that. nasty nasty nasty.
Today, woke up at 9:45, played some rap till 11am. Burnt the Young Buck cd and headed off the the guym(SAY IT LIKE HOMER SAID IT)and ya know. burned off munchie fat. Steve called me up, asked if i needed a gram, i said suuure. Picked up a gram, broke up .4 of it and bought some Mint philiiiiies, buy one get one freee. As i pulled up to the drive-way my neighbor was smoking a cigg, i asked him if he wanted to git hiigh. I rolled a minib and hotboxed his car. Came out of his car, got into my car and went to smoke with Kamil. rolled .6blunt with kamil and some other kid and smokedit. then we smoked a insansly hitting home-made bowl. Twas high. Went home, ate, uhhm, watched some tv*coughporncough*. Got done with that whole thang, got into my car with 2 peices of choclate and drove to work. Got to work, did maintenance(again, since i fucking did it on Friday, damn fools) and went online. yes im working.

yes, yes, my life is sooooo interesting*eyeroll*
wut i really need is a stable friendship if not BESTfriendship. As uhhmm...fun as it is to go from person to person i need real friendship. not bullshit. i alsoo need a girlfriend, but ehh, its quite hard. I mean..there's girls i like, but i dont wanna commit if in the long term it wont work out. For ASS its okay, but even that isnt useful when you really need to cuddle with someone while talking about yer day. its not a biiiig list, its just the neccesary things.

I need a girl with these traits:
Sarcasm, wit, cleverness, drinks occasionally, smokes. a lot. or occasionally-but if you dont smoke you best drink. someone with a car, money, and a sexual appetite. i love cute girls. hot girls are okay but a cute girl will beat one out ANY time. gottaaa love adult swim, best shows ever. yes. yes.
goddamnit..what was i talking about, ohh , ohhh. im fucking hungry. I wish i had some cereal n stuff. n peanutbutter n milk and sandwhiches and brownies. and weed. yeah. errr. back to "work" which is basically me searching the web. yes. ran out of paxil. neeeeed a reup on it. meh.


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